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Getting A Difficult Message Across

Joerg Kuehn · May 31, 2023 · Leave a Comment

You may remember the newsletter about a client of mine who worked through a highly emotional situation with “the dictator.” Only a short while later, I encountered another client with an even trickier situation.

Chris is a calm and friendly 35-year-old manager, who struck me from the beginning as someone who was very kind. In a “fast-track” career, he had risen rapidly through the ranks of a medium-sized Swedish consumer electronics company. Based in the UK, he was now leading its global supply chain operations.

Chris absolutely loved his job. He viewed it “like a hobby” where he enthusiastically “created top-notch service solutions” for his clients. His passion for the job had him working 60-hour weeks for the last eight years. By his own admission, he’d been close to burn out two times and was currently doing double duty… handling two important job assignments within the company.

It presented a massive challenge.

Chris was not getting along well with his interim boss, the Managing Director of UK operations. “He attacked me personally” Chris said. The strained relationship created an unprecedented level of emotional turmoil, anger, and frustration in Chris.

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How to support someone in a really difficult place?

Joerg Kuehn · Apr 26, 2023 · 2 Comments

I had started to collect my 450 client-therapy hours towards becoming a UKCP registered Psychotherapist. It was tough, as I was exposed to psychological and personal challenges I was absolutely not used to as a Coach.

I was trying my best, but something wasn’t working. Some clients came for a few sessions, then abruptly stopped. That was hard to take emotionally, and I began to question my ability to support psychotherapeutic clients.

As I was talking the cases through with my supervisor Steve, he leaned back, looked at me, and asked if I knew the story of the wind and the sun. I did not. It’s quite profound.

“The wind and the sun were talking one day as they observed a man sitting on a bench. It was rather cold, so the man was dressed in a scarf and a coat. Out of the blue, the wind suggested a little challenge to the sun. The wind said, “I’ll bet I can blow that man’s coat off.” The sun scoffed. “I’ll take that bet and I raise it. You can’t do it … but I can.”

“You?” said the wind. “What power do you have? No way.” And so, the contest was on.

The wind began to blow in chilly winds from the north. The man tugged his coat up tighter around his neck. So, the wind kicked up the intensity of the wind speed a few notches. As the wind blew stronger and stronger, the man struggled to sit upright on the bench. The more powerfully the wind blew, the tighter the man wrapped his scarf and coat around himself. Now, the wind was blowing at full force and it was freezing cold. The man, gripping the bench with both hands, pulled his knees up and huddled in a kind of ball in a desperate attempt to keep from freezing. No way to take of his coat! The Wind had failed.

Now it was the sun’s turn.

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How to manage highly emotional encounters?

Joerg Kuehn · Feb 22, 2023 · 4 Comments

As part of my psychotherapist qualification, I recently worked with a client who struggled with severe anxiety. It was challenging, and it took several sessions for the client to open up about what was going on.

It was about a relationship. A working relationship.

Alice (name & background changed for confidentiality reasons) was leading a small team of consultants in a high-pressure corporate environment. Juggling the demanding requests of her clients and managing her team was tough. But her key struggle was the relationship she suffered through with a senior peer in a supporting function.

Alice described that person as an “aggressive dictator,” who was 10 years older and fighting “tooth and nail” over everything. This made it impossible for Alice to establish a collaborative relationship. She dreaded every encounter with the “dictator.” Several days before their next meeting, she could feel her stomach churn and she would endure sleepless nights.

The meetings were tense. Conversations were difficult… until at one point it came to a head. In front of the whole team, the smouldering conflict between the two leaders exploded. Both started throwing accusations. The “dictator” began to raise her voice and, with cutting, machine-gun like remarks, she systematically dismantled Alice. Feeling embarrassed, incapable, small and stupid, Alice shrank further and further to the point where she could not handle it. Close to tears, she dropped out of the video call. It was a disaster.

Do we carry somebody else’s burden?

Joerg Kuehn · Nov 23, 2022 · 2 Comments

As a coach and psychotherapist-in-training, I sometimes work with clients whose circumstances deeply touch me. Recently, I had one of these cases. I was very much drawn into it. Day and night, I was thinking about ways I could help my client, who was struggling with a very complex personal and professional situation.

As time went on, I noticed I was starting to go way beyond the scope of my role as a coach. I researched various options around how the difficult situation could be resolved and even drafted some potential communication for the client. At one point, I found myself waking up at night, trying to work things out. That’s when I realised, I needed to discuss the case with my supervisor Steve. I’m glad I did, as it taught me a very profound lesson.

Don’t “Mind The Gap”… Bridge The Gap!

Joerg Kuehn · Oct 26, 2022 · Leave a Comment

It was on the first of November 2012, nearly 10 years ago, when Margaret McCollum was on her regular journey home via the London Underground subway system. As usual, she stopped at embankment station. Standing on the platform, she was listening for something very specific. It didn’t come. She was shocked and later described the moment as being “horrifying and completely, utterly devastating.”

What about not hearing a particular sound had been so distressing?

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